The Battle Within
by drumer girl
Summary: How could she turn back? How could she admit that loves him? especially after she hurt him so completely...James is tired of the games and knows that this time, she has to choose. A one shot; with a companion piece coming soon. R&R!


This is a short one shot that I wrote about two months ago. It wasn't until after I had written it that I realized I was playing of the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend of two years. An interesting, unconscious reflection of how it all started….I probably will write a companion piece someday, but I can't promise it any time soon. I did not have anyone beta this, so if you have any suggestions (grammar, sentence structure, clarity, new ideas) feel free to let me know and I will definitely consider it. And if you like the fic, please let me know! It would brighten my day to know that someone read it and enjoyed it. Thank you!!

~Drummer girl

Lily pushed open the heavy oak front doors and stepped out into the cool night with a sigh of relief. But the silence that greeted her filled her with words that she so longed to push away. She strode quickly out onto the grounds, putting as much distance between her and the castle as she could. The wind whipped her face; her hair streamed out behind her. The echo of his voice resounded through her mind.

"_You're a coward Lily…A _bloody_ coward…"_ Lily knew he was right, but she wasn't sure if she could admit it. She began to walk faster as the tears came, and as a sob rose up in her throat she broke into a run… anything to stop the truth from hitting her in the face.

The edge of the great lake met her too quickly, and she dropped to her knees. Lily caught herself just in time, but the pebbles that made up the skinny strip of beach bit into the skin of her hands. Tears that held no relief flowed easily down her face. She felt her iron resolve begin to slip, and her strength left with the tears that fell into her hands. The bitter wind that rushed over her back whipped her defenses away; and she sat there alone and defeated. Her thoughts were scattered and few as she sobbed, but one kept coming back to her: _I have brought this upon myself…_

By the time she had collected herself enough to stand, Lily was frozen and chattering. She had run much farther than she had originally thought, and it took her twice as long to follow the path back up to the castle. The minutes that stretched out in front of her took her back to James. Waves of nausea swept through her. The more she thought about how hurtful she had been, the sicker she felt. She had been convinced that she could hide it all away; she thought she had done a good job of keeping her feelings buried… but he saw right through her facade. He already knew the real reason behind her witty remarks and sarcastic comments. He already understood. _She loved him. _

As she reached the castle, the second wave of tears hit her.

She clung to her middle and ducked her head; barely able to stand as she pushed open the doors to escape from the bitter wind that took her breath away. She could still see his burning eyes; feel his fingers cutting into her shoulders.

"_You don't even know; do you?"_ he asked incredulously; resentment building in the air around him. _"Why can't you just admit that you're in love with me?!"_ His words cut deeper than his fingernails ever could. Even Lily didn't know why she couldn't accept it... Even _she_ could not understand why the truth was so hard to let out.

It had happened so suddenly, she had had no time to prepare herself. All she could do was hold onto the lies she had come to rely upon so desperately. Lily repeated them over and over everyday, each repetition harder than the last. It made no sense that now; when it was most important for her to forget them, the words would come back to her.

"_I'm sorry James." _Her voice sounded harsh and cold even in her own ears. _"I just…I __**can't.**__ "_

She spoke with such finality that it frightened her. James slowly nodded, and he turned and walked away from her. It wasn't until then that she realized just how hard she had fallen.

Sometimes she still felt like that 15-year-old child that had been determined to hate him forever. Back then, she had been so convinced that everything was black and white…but she had been wrong. She had been wrong about a lot of things, but this one was in the top five. How she had loathed him….It was amazing just how much someone could change in two years. They had both changed. But still she had clung to her prejudices; even after everything that had happened this year. But too much around her was changing; and nothing was certain. What could she cling to but those few truths she had learned to stand upon when the world had been less complicated? If one of them proved false, her whole foundation might crumble. She had been counting on always hating James Potter….and she ended up falling in love with him.

Lily knew she couldn't go back to her dorm. She stepped blindly through the halls, holding back her sobs as best she could. It had gotten late, and the corridors were empty. She stepped into the shadows of a forgotten hallway and let herself fall to the ground once more. Every hurtful thing she had ever said to him felt as though she had driven it into her own heart. She was shrouded in a cloud of regret; the hopelessness of the situation hung over her head. Her stubbornness and pride had finally caught up with her…and she was a fool to have let him walk away. What could she do but sit and cry over the fact that she had driven him away; probably for the last time? She could never make this right. Their words would always hang in the spaces between; there was no going back. This truth hit Lily like a ton of bricks….and she held back the gag that rose up in her throat.

* * *

James was at a loss for words. He couldn't understand how he could love her so much, yet despise her in the same breath. He longed to hold her in his arms; but he knew that if he set his eyes on her right now, he wouldn't be able to contain his pent up anger. He had had enough; and he didn't think he could take anymore. But how could he ever live without her? He was incredibly sick of the games they played, and she was so damn stubborn….he chuckled darkly as memories flitted in and out of his brain….

Lily felt the same way. He knew it. He saw it in her gaze, in her movements as she leaned closer to him whenever he was in the room. He felt it in her stare when she thought he wasn't watching; it was so palpable he knew that everyone around them could feel it too. It had always been that way, even when they had hated each other. But James couldn't bring himself to believe that she had ever truly hated him. It had to have been a cover; a way to protect herself.

Sighing, James sat up in bed and swung his feet onto the chilly floor. There was no way he could sleep. As he headed down to the quidditch pitch, his invisibility cloak wrapped snugly around him, he went over and over her words. She was a good actress; the tone of her voice never wavered. But he knew her too well, and her eyes gave her away every time. A small part of him wondered if maybe he had imagined it all; that maybe she really _didn't_ love him. Maybe he had been wrong about it all along…

His eyes blurred and he walked faster towards the front hall.

He hadn't been able to help himself…she had been too beautiful; and she had been so close. Close enough to kiss.

His heart beat faster and he nearly stomped through the hallways. His anger at her rejection rose in his throat and he spit, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. Her words were so final and so maddening. His lust and his rage nearly overrode his senses as every syllable sunk into his being. _"I'm sorry James…I'm sorry James…I'm sorry James…" _She hadn't sounded very sorry about it at all. Indifferent maybe; but not sorry.

He had reached the front doors and paused to open them when he heard it. She was crying. He knew it was her…and a part of him wanted to go to her.

But it was her turn now. He couldn't always be the one to fix things….

And she needed to figure out what she wanted.

So he opened the doors as softly as he could and stepped out into the night. A cool breeze had replaced the harsh wind, and it was perfect weather for a night in the sky.

He practiced hard, letting muscle memory take over. He thought of nothing but the wind rushing past him for a long time.

Much later, he felt a pair of eyes upon him. He couldn't see her, but he knew she was there, watching him. And he hoped that she would make the right decision…He didn't know if he could live without her.


End file.
